Have You Stopped Living…I have
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009So today hasn’t been that great of a day. I just got back from my vacation, which was good, but I’ve done a little soul searching and something occurred to me. I have stopped living. I have built up these walls around myself and I have literally blocked people out. I don’t do things that I use to enjoy because I feel like the ‘fat girl’ everyone is watching. Talk about some self esteem issues. Wow!
I realized I don’t go out anymore. I don’t go dancing, as a matter of fact I caught myself saying these exact words…I don’t dance anymore because of my weight. I feel embarrassed.
I have let the one thing that I have fought my whole life, take over. It’s infuriating! It’s frustrating!
But to top that off, I am so worried about getting hurt, that I have built sky high walls and built up expectations of my ‘friends’ that no one will ever be able to reach. Friends?…what friends. I have shut them out. I am so worried about what people think that I have tunneled myself a cave of seclusion…and it’s getting lonely.
Do you ever have those ‘ah ha’ moments when you realize that you are the root of your problems, even though you have been blaming others.
The question that lingers…how do you gain the confidence, the self belief to just say to hell with it? I get tired of the prejudgements and I get tired of letting them get to me. But I’ve yet to reach that ‘to hell with it’ point. But I am striving for it!
One brick at a time I’ll get these walls down and I’ll start living the life I dream about.
