You know I try and try to keep a positive image of myself, but I struggle with it just like everyone else does. Today isn’t a good day for me. I look in the mirror and what I see is a blob, in all my glory..
It is so frustrating to wake up day after day and force a smile on this face. When in the back of my mind what I am screaming is UGH! I don’t want to be fat..but you know what…I would rather sit here on my ass and be mean and degrading to myself than get off this couch and exercise. How sad is that.
Do you want to know why…because it’s fricken easier. I am angry at myself above all else. I am angry because I let the shit in my life that has happened to me to affect me even to this day. No I don’t wake up thinking about all the bad things, but I know that in the back of my mind and in my heart that’s what has such a control over me.
I’ve had some pretty worthless men in my life that have done unspeakable things. I’ve had some pretty deep wounds that I push away and don’t deal with. Why? Because it’s fucking easier to do.
I am angry at myself for letting this continue to affect me after all of these years. I know what I do..when I am stressed, upset, sad, angry, mad, hurt, lonely, any other negative emotion that comes up, I turn to food. I always have. So you would think that after all of these years I would learn.
But I haven’t.. It’s just to easy to continue in the path that I am on than to change it.
I am harder on myself than anyone else. I am the root of the reason for my weight. And I am so tired of trying to fit into a cookie cutter society that no matter what I do, because I am heavy, is never good enough.
I am sick of trying to make everyone else around me happy when inside I am screaming.
It’s a big wake up call. At some point, you have to stop pointing the blame to everyone else. Because ultimately it’s the decisions we all make that make us who we are. You have to stop pointing and start fixing, start healing.
You can’t sit here and tell me that if you think back over your life, you’ve not had something bad, something mean, done or said to you that you aren’t holding onto. That you didn’t take and lock away and that periodically it doesn’t resonate through your mind like a fire siren. We let these little things get a hold of us. And no matter how strong we think we are…they are always there.
I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to dump this negative crap and move on.