Well we decided to take a long weekend and take our girls out for some family time over their spring break. We went up to Kentucky to the Mid-American Truck Show which was a lot of fun! We took tons of pictures; I will post a few to the blog soon.

Friday and Saturday we spent at the truck show, then Saturday afternoon we decided to go Go-Cart racing. I really didn’t want to go because one time that I went I couldn’t get the seat belt buckled which was so embarrassing. But we went anyways. We had a blast.

Sunday we went to some caves, go-cart riding again, and horseback riding. This was really hard mentally for me. The entire time we were waiting for the guide all I could think was they were going to tell me I couldn’t ride because I was too big…

I kept imagining how embarrassed I was going to be when my girls asked why Mommy wasn’t coming! But I did go, and had fun. But I was so worried about hurting the freakin horse and that was all I could think about!

I have got to get a better mental outlook! I know where a lot of this comes from. Last summer I went to Six Flags with some friends, I rode all of the rides but one. On this particular rollercoaster I had to get off because I was to big. I was mortified standing there in front of everyone. Listening to them laugh and the comments that they were making. Since then any time we go to do something, that is one of my greatest fears.

That hurt so bad, and I can remember wanting to melt away. I was in tears and completely embarrassed. Not something I want to be faced with again.

It’s hard you know..I want to be happy with my size. I want to be considered beautiful and to feel that way. But it’s a constant battle and sometimes it’s hard to put on that face of strength and to feel ok in my skin.

I love going places and doing things with my girls, but I always have that fear in the back of my mind that I am not going to ‘fit’.

You would think that I am as big as a house here…by no means am I small…don’t get me wrong. But by no means am I ginormous either. It’s just so frustrating!